I’m so screwed in the head.
I don’t have a really strict diet. At least I’m not as strict on myself this time around as I have been in the past. I say that because I want this to be the last time….the last time I have to do this losing weight thing. I, like many people, am a recovering yo-yo dieter and in the past I put so many restrictions on myself that I never got to have fun. Every meal and every workout was sheer torture. I didn’t get any enjoyment out of…living. I’m trying to do it this time not as a diet but as a lifestyle overhaul. I don’t want this to be a battle for the rest of my life. I want to be able to make peace with food. But I do wonder sometimes if this is something I’m never completely going to be free from…just like recovering alcoholics and drug addicts say they are never really cured.
I’ve been trying to watch my calories and journal my food everyday. I’ve been working on keeping it around 1500 even though the Best Life program (Bob Greene) that I’m kinda sorta following says that for my activity level I can have 1800 calories. I decided that I need one meal to allow myself to eat as much of whatever the heck I want. I usually do this on Saturday night at my mother’s house because if there is any place I resort to old habits it’s at my mother’s. I thought I needed this meal so I could indulge and not feel so restricted on my eating. I thought that if I could have this one meal then I would have it to look forward to and it would help me to behave at all my other meals. Well I wake up on Sunday mornings feeling horrible…not so much physically as mentally. The moment my eyes open I start beating myself up because in my screwed up mind the meal I ate the night before caused me to gain back the entire 60 lbs. it took me 8 months to lose. So then I get up and I eat a healthy breakfast but I’m not proud of myself for doing that because I’m still too busy kicking my rear for the night before. So then I wind up bingeing most of Sunday.
If I don’t allow myself that meal I finally cave and binge one day because I feel too deprived. If I do allow myself the meal I feel so guilty for indulging that I figure I’ve blown it and binge. I know that one meal is not going to bring all that weight back. So why do I beat myself up when I told myself that I could have it? Or maybe the better question is if this is a lifestyle change then why do I even need the meal? I’ve never really addressed my reasons for overeating in the first place. I can’t begin to tell you what those reasons are. I’m sure losing the weight is just putting a band-aid on a broken bone.
XML Feed
I know how you feel! Trust me, you should read my blog and we can commiserate. I have done plenty of soul searching and have found some intense issues that were behind my over eating but I hate feeling these feelings and that makes sense. In order to really address the issue you have to find out what caused it in the first place. But I am not sure if we will ever be cured so to speak. Even though I know the reasons I still struggle. I have very low self esteem which was reinforced by my experiences in junior high. I still see myself as that pathetic fat, stupid, socially awkward 13 year old. Thats where the problem is. On top of that, I have an autistic child who I worry constantly about. And currently I am dealing with terrible PMS (I want a hysterectomy! It’s not like I am going to have any more kids anyway.. I hate PCOS which I have) and unresolved thyroid issues. So I am not dealing with my feelings very well. And on top of it, my weight loss is non existent.. I am on the verge of giving up.
Hey -if youve lost 60 thats more than admirable - thats wow. It also means you can lose another 60, and more after that. Yes allow yourself a cheat day - day off - but I recommend that you still move, be active on that day too. I hav your issues - like over eating (even thou our goals are world apart) - what Im saying is I still am active - do 10,000 + steps a day on my couch potatoes days & it doesnt seem so bad!
I also know how you feel completely. Most of us have all had those feelings after a little binge. IMO, I think it is a good thing to have what you want once in a while. One home-cooked meal by mom is comforting.If you work hard all week, exercize, stick to your plan, you are doing great. I think that this journey is about making healthy choices and still being able to enjoy life. I am a foodie from way back! So when the weekend comes, I give myself permission to enjoy food and wine, then on Monday step up the exercize. Don’t beat yourself up…you are doing great and it only lowers your confidence. Just get back on the wagon, drink your water and keep going. Smile…look how far you have come!
Diane
I know it is hard, and I do understand why you let yourself eat whatever you want on a Saturday night, but clearly that is not making you happy. Why not just decide you will have “a little” of everything you REALLY want on Saturday night and combine that with healthy eating.
What you may be doing is undoing the hard work of several days in that one meal, but even worse it makes you feel bad. If it made you feel great then that would be different, but it doesn’t. It’s like a scheduled binge. I am a lifetime binger and I know I feel so depressed and uncomfortable after a binge so I am working hard to stop that cycle.
What I tell myself is that this is a lifestyle change and not a diet. I eat lots of things that are not considered foods for a diet, but you know what, I am still losing. Slowly, yes, but steadily.
This is because I only eat a little bit of what those extra things. I eat it slowly and savour every morsel. I used to shovel it in, and load up my fork before I had even finished what was in my mouth. It was all about quantity to satisfy me, not quality.
My trick is that I don’t have a huge meal of really fattening food, and I spread out the little treats (if I really feel I need them, as often I don’t miss them) throughout the week. I stick to a healthy diet, balancing out an approximate calorie count for the rest of the day. It works for me, and maybe it can work for you.
I say too allow yourself the cheat day but add exercise to that day as well..then you can kind of have the best of both worlds and maybe this will not make you feel guilty