stressedoutmama

I’ve increased my workouts so I have to increase my calories because I’m STARVING! And I’m SCARED!

 I never thought I’d say this but Dr. Phil has really screwed with my brain. I used to follow his Ultimate Weight Loss Solution. To kick start, you eat 1000-1100 calories a day for 14 days. In phase 2, you eat roughly 1200 calories a day until you reach your goal weight. The third and final phase is the maintaining your weight and eat around 1800 calories a day. Talk about a diet that you can’t stick with! I stayed so hungry and irritable the whole time. Don’t get me wrong. I lost weight like crazy but it was impossible to keep it up. So after 2 pregnancies and gaining back a literal butt-load of weight I knew I couldn’t go back to that kind of  “so strict I wanna kill myself” diet.

Long story short I’ve been following The Best Life by Bob Greene and I love it. BUT I haven’t been sticking to his recommended calories because it just seems too good to be true. I work out at what he calls a Level 3 which is 5-6 days a week with at least 2 days of strength training. He says I can have a whopping 1800 calories. At first I was only eating around 1200 calories because I kept seeing that bald head saying “how’s that workin’ for ya” whenever I would consider eating an extra apple - heaven forbid! I was so hungry and so I slowly increased to around 1500 and I’m still hungry. I was sitting in bed last night thinking about my grumbly tummy and realized that my way of thinking is really messed up. Here I’ve been scared to death to increase my food and log those extra 300 HEALTHY calories on Fitday but I don’t think twice at scarfing down some peanut butter crackers and a Little Debbie cake at 10:30 at night because I can’t sleep for the hunger pains! OMG!

So today is the day I start believing in what’s been working for me.

Hey, Buddies! Thanks for taking the time to check out this blog. You people are the greatest!

 Anyway here’s my problem. I had to do that thing that I hate doing worse than going to the gynecologist…..buy a bathing suit. So I went to Walmart because I refuse to pay a lot for something I hate to wear. My choices were limited so I settled for a tankini. The top looks good but the only reasonable bottoms they had I could wear were the boy cut shorts. These things have never looked good on me. They accentuate my belly and my thighs are still too fat so the legs of them never stay down. But it was either that or a teeny tiny bottom that let EVERYTHING hang out. YUCK!

So I think I could handle the thighs and butt if I could just get rid of my stomach. This is where I need your help. I have always had a belly and it’s hereditary because even when my mom was skinny she had a pooch. I know I’ll never have a completely flat tummy without surgery but I would at least like it to go down some more. I’ve lost some but it’s still the biggest part of me. I hate it because clothes don’t fit right. I’m small chested and so if I get a top big enough to go around my stomach it’s always too big through the boobs. I’m rambling again….sorry.

The exercises I do is Curves which has machines to work your stomach some but not a lot. I also do the walk at home dvds and they also have moves to work your core. I can look in the mirror and see it’s a lot smaller than it used to be but it’s still sticks out the worst. What other exercises can I do to shrink the fat around my belly? I do cardio and I know that’s the staple for burning calories. Are there actually exercises that shrink fat? I’ve heard so many theories. Some people tell me to do the leg lifts and crunches and then some say that only strengthens the muscles underneath the fat but doesn’t actually get rid of the fat. I don’t know the truth anymore and I need some help. Summer’s on it’s way and I want to have fun and not keep trying to stretch my top down over this gut! HELP PLEASE!

My eating has been absolutely horrid this week. I did pretty decent on Tuesday until after the Biggest Loser went off. I wandered into the kitchen and mysteriously somehow fell into a carton of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup. It was the darndest thing! Yesterday I was feeling pretty tired so I came across this container of mixed nuts that said Energy Mix on it. I thought “ooh I need energy”. It tasted pretty good. It had all kinds of mixed nuts, sesame sticks, and chocolate covered soy nuts. I measured out 1/4 cup which is a serving and ate it….I didn’t feel energetic. Well I thought maybe if I eat the WHOLE FREAKIN’ CAN maybe that will give me energy. So I did. All it gave me was the tummy ache.

What’s it going to take for me to stop sabotaging myself? Why am I doing this at a time when I was so close to the 100’s? Why do I feel so burned out? I need a good butt kicking and I need one now. I need to go to the Biggest Loser ranch and have Bob and Jillian double-team my sorry rear!

Well I was on my pity pot last night and blogged about not wanting to measure and count calories anymore. I just felt overwhelmed and sick of the whole thing. I woke up with a much better attitude this morning. I am one of those people that need the discipline of measuring and counting or I will lose control. I’ve come too far to do that so I logged on to Fitday bright and early this morning..LOL. I’m keeping my laptop on the bar in the kitchen and I’ll suck it up and do what I have to do.

…to this blog. I don’t have anything really to talk about but I think I need to start blogging every day to keep my mind on what’s important….reaching my goal.

So I read a really good blog that Debbi wrote about being a slave to the scale. It opened my eyes. I live to weigh myself and it’s ridiculous. I would tell myself over and over that it was normal for my weight to fluctuate daily and not to get upset but that’s easier said than done when you define yourself by a number. So anyway I decided to take Debbi’s advice and hide my scale. It’s been a week so far and I’ve stayed off the scale except for weigh in day and she was right…it has been such a wonderful feeling of freedom.

I would also like to free myself from some other things but I’m kind of afraid to. I am also an avid food weigher, measurer, and calorie logger. What I wouldn’t give to be able to do something as simple as….oh….eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, not worry if I have a little more than the allotted 1 cup of cereal & 1/2 cup of soymilk in my bowl. I’ve always felt I needed to be super strict with my eating in order to lose weight. It’s getting annoying. I’m all for eating healthy but I hate having to count every little calorie that goes in my mouth. I spend so much time logging on to Fitday to document my food intake I can’t get anything else done. I have to log it right then or I’ll forget and so I’m constantly checking my graphs and pie charts to see if I can have a freakin’ snack!

I just want to have a normal, healthy relationship with food. I want to use it for what it’s meant for…fuel…and nothing more. There has to be more to this life than measuring cups, scales, and weight graphs. I’m going to try my best to live like a skinny person. I’m going to try my best to stop stressing so much about the little things…i.e. did I have one too many almonds in my 1/4 cup of trail mix. I’m going to try my best….to live.

Well I’m on a roll this week! And it’s not a buttered one!!! I blogged about how I had a bad weekend and one splurge day turned into 3! I had so much bloating and misery that I was determined by Monday morning to get a handle on things. And I’m proud to say I’ve accomplished just that and will hopefully show a loss at weigh in! I love my team and I hate it when we I can’t help them out with my support…especially at weigh in time. I’ve worked out every day so far and have kept my calories in check. I’ve downed so much water I’m beginning to wonder if I’m gonna grow a hump on my back. All in all I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished this week.

So I was in the bathroom this morning fixing my hair when my hubby leans out of the shower with suds all over his face. He says, “oh honey my shampoo is a little harsh so I’ve been using a dab of yours to shampoo my beard.” Now normally I would not be upset by him using something of mine. “Honey, I had to use some of your girlie soap cuz I ran out.” No problem. “Honey, I had to borrow a pair of your good underwear cuz mine were all dirty.” Creepy and wierd but I could even live with that. BUT WHEN HE USED MY HIGH DOLLAR, FOR COLOR TREATED HAIR, CAN ONLY BUY IT IN A SALON SHAMPOO FOR HIS FREAKIN’ BEARD, I FLIPPED OUT!!!!! I told him I would share anything in this world with him but until the day he comes in with highlights in his beard he better never touch my shampoo again!

OK Just to make something perfectly clear. My hubby hasn’t nor would he ever borrow my underwear! LOL Just wanted to clear this up in case he were to find this blog….or someone else does and tells him about it. Once again….my husband wears manly underwear ONLY.

I get tickled reading all the blogs about drinking lots of water and peeing all the time. It really does work and I couldn’t lose weight without my water but the potty humor is still funny. I had a really  bad weekend. My husband was off work for 3 days. This was his first days off in a long time and when he’s home my routine gets shot to crap. Friday we had taken my son to an ENT specialist who had to schedule surgery on him and I was feeling a little stressed. I hadn’t allowed myself a cheat day in a while so I thought what the heck….well I couldn’t decide if I wanted Pizza or Mexican….so I had both. Yes (with my head bowed in shame) I had pizza along side my gooey cheezy dips and rice and beef and chicken and shrimp and tortillas. And instead of doing what I was supposed to do the next day…which was start back to my healthy eating….my cheating kept going….and going….and going. As of the scale yesterday morning I had gained 4 lbs. just over the weekend. I know it was from the salt but wow I get amazed at how much water you can retain from eating that crap. I got back after it yesterday not liking the bloaty feeling I had and hit the water, water, water. I finished up my 100 oz. of water last night after my 45 min. power walk. I peed like crazy most of the day and had to get up twice last night. Just out of curiosity I jumped on the scale this morning and it showed a 5 lb. loss….that’s a lot of freakin’ fluid! Oh sing the praises of water, people!

And as for that pizza I had on Friday…oh and Saturday…there was a really good coupon attached to the top of the box….$5 off any purchase of $15 or more. BUT HURRY! It expires Jan. 31st. Oh that’s a good deal. But it’s for pizza. Hmmm……what to do…what to do…..I started to throw it away. But I kept it. I made myself promise to only use it on a thin crust, chicken & veggie pizza. I’ll have that the next time I feel like “cheating”. Something new I’m going to try….”cheating in moderation”. I had this conversation with Jenn in our forum…I don’t know why we think that cheating has to mean gluttony. Allowing ourselves little pleasures in life shouldn’t make us sick and miserable.

I made up that song to the tune of “Wheels On the Bus”. My son thinks it’s funny. He loves that song anyway and he’ll help me sing it. LOL

Oh I’m a little stressed out today. My 21 month old son, Noah, had to go to an ENT specialist this morning. He was diagnosed with sleep apnea and has to have his tonsils and adenoids taken out at the end of the month. Common procedure. I’m aware of that. But it’s my baby and he’s going to be put to sleep and that makes me worry just like any other mom. My husband almost started to cry as we were leaving. I thought…no, not here, not now…I don’t want to start worrying and crying right now. I told him he better not lose it on me. If he loses it then I’ll lose it. I have to keep it together. I have to go to this window over here and make a follow-up appointment for when he comes through the surgery just fine. I don’t have time to dwell on the fact that my little boy is going to be taken away from me and put in the hands of doctors and nurses that I don’t know from Adam and put into a drug induced sleep and poked and prodded on and then wake up with the most horrible sore throat imaginable. I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW! And I can’t think about it that way. I have to think about the fact that he’s going to be in the Lord’s mighty hands. Not the doctors…not the nurses….they are merely instruments the Lord will use to make my child healthy. My child hasn’t had a restful night’s sleep since he’s been in this world. At only 21 months old he has less energy than some elderly people I know. He has black circles under his eyes. He’s so tired. And that makes me so sad.

 I’m contemplating giving myself a cheat day today. I haven’t allowed myself one in a while now. But I just wonder if it will help or only make me feel worse. My husband and I haven’t been out on a date in a long time and a night out would be nice…just to clear my head. I don’t know if we could find a babysitter though. I hate to keep asking my mom. I feel like I call on her for everything. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind but I don’t want to take advantage. I don’t know if I would even enjoy a night out. I would probably worry if the boys were doing ok without us being home.

Thanks for reading! Have a good Friday!

I have to post some new pics…mainly for myself.  It’s hard to get rid of that fat mindset.  Sometimes I don’t always see the progress in the mirror.  I can see it better in pictures.  I do this to help me stay motivated.  It’s important to see how far we’ve all come.  Thank you, my friends.  I couldn’t have done this or continue to do this without your support.

Before @ 273 lbs.

Now @ 200 lbs.

Of all times for TOM to make his appearance. He does it the week I was going to FINALLY get out of the 200’s!!!!! I weighed in at 200 lbs. on Friday morning! I thought…YES! Next week will be MY week!!! BUT NOOOOOO. I get up Monday morning and there he is….the bugger!!! I tromp to the bathroom snarling and growling like a bear just out of hibernation. Hubby put his head under the pillow…trembling…”BE AFRAID!” I said…”BE VERY AFRAID!” I stepped on the ugly monstrousity known to cause fear and self-loathing in otherwise pleasant people…the scale. It said “AHA FATTY!!! THIS AIN’T YOUR WEEK IS IT?!?!?! PPPHHHFFFTTT!!!!” I was up 2 lbs. and after drinking tons of water, taking Mydol, and exercising till my legs couldn’t move anymore I’m up another lb. today. GGGGGRRRRRR!!!!! Damn you TOM!!!! Damn you I say!!!