stressedoutmama

Sorry if I grossed anyone out by the title but it’s true and I’ve never been prouder! LOL I know that doesn’t make sense so let me explain. I’m a member of the Fitness Fanatics team and we have started something new for the year where one person on the team is challenged to do some of the exercise challenges posted at the beginning of each week. Well this was the first week and I was chosen one. (Thanks, Jenn! LOL Ah you know I love ya! ) So the challenges she asked me to do seemed simple enough. It was a couple of arm exercises with weights. No problem! I’m a Curves member. I power walk. I’ve used weights before. Piece of cake!….Yeah….not so much. I got half way through my 2nd set of 10 reps and had to sit down because the taste of bile in my mouth was so overwhelming I almost passed out! LOL My heartrate was up and sweat was rolling down my back. I had just finished a 12 min. mile power walk with some jogging and it didn’t make me sweat this much. After I recovered I resumed my challenges. I knew I had to push through it. As Jillian screams on The Biggest Loser every week…”IF YOU’RE NOT FAINTING, PUKING, OR DEAD KEEP GOING!!!!” That’s what I did. I kept going. And I’m really proud. The thing is that I’m so close to getting out of the 200’s and it seems to be taking forever. But I guess I knew in the back of my mind that something needed to change for me to continue to lose. I’ve been in my comfort zone and doing the same thing every week. That worked for the first 70 lbs. but to lose the last 38 I need to step it up a notch. So I wanna say a BIG THANK YOU to Jenn for “picking on me”…LOL. I love ya and the rest of my Fitness Fanatics team! They are so great and so wonderful and I love having them and the rest of you BuddySlimmers along with me on this fabulous journey!

is to get the stomach flu. I didn’t say it would be the fun, rejuvenating way. I do have to say it worked though. I weighed 210 the morning after Christmas. I got the stomach flu that night and when I weighed in the next morning I was down to 206. This morning I weighed in at 204…lol. I really would rather weigh 210 and not have this terrible stomach ache but I have to look at the bright side of it to keep from crying.

So, Buddies, a new year is just around the corner. I looked back over this year as I was lying on the couch trying to keep the room from spinning. I have to say I’ve been really proud of my accomplishment this year. First of all I’m thankful that I went to my wonderful super duper doctor (honestly I love this man) and got my depression, anxiety, and thyroid under control. I was so ashamed and embarrassed to talk to anyone about my struggles but my husband was in more torment watching me go through my daily life than I was living it. He put on his manly pants and layed the law down to me that I needed help and took me to see my doctor. It was such a relief to be able to spill my guts and not be judged for it. The doctor put his pen down and looked at me with such sympathy and love. It was wonderful. He’s keeping close tabs on me to make sure the meds are doing their jobs and I’ll be checking back in with him in a couple of months. Also as of this morning I’m down 69 lbs. for the year. I looked at my photos from last Christmas and I didn’t recognize the woman in the pics. She was so overweight and so unhappy.

Now I have some things to do in the new year. I have to *gulp* finish what I started and boy am I nervous. See I don’t do that. I live a life of incompletions. It’s not just with weight loss. It’s with everything. I didn’t finish college. I always quit my jobs. My weight has either been gaining or losing. It’s never been about maintaining. Yo-yo is too mild a term for what I do….more like bungee jumping by your ankles. So this is the year that I have to reach my weight goal….165. And I’m scared about getting there because once I do…then what? I’ve never tried to maintain my weight before and I’m not sure I know how. I worry about other things too. Will I be happy with my body when I get there? Will 165 be enough or will I get obsessed and constantly think…if I can just lose 5 more? I worry about the fat mentality. I can see in the mirror that I’ve lost alot but right now I’m not happy because I want to lose more. When (not if) I weigh 165 will I still see myself at 200?

It’s a lot to think about and I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. First things first….to get the rest of the weight off and live my life. I love the Leslie Sansone walk at home dvds and hubby got me 2 5-milers for Christmas. I’m hoping I can get off the couch soon so I can put on the sneaks and walk my rear off. Have a great day, Buddies!

Pardon the bad Britney impersonation but I did….I did do it again. I binged last night.  I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time. I’ve handled PMS better than the way I am now.  I don’t know why it’s getting to me more than usual this month. I shouldn’t use it as an excuse. It only makes  me feel  worse to give in to my urges. I’ve been a huge b**ch this week. I want to crawl under the bed and be left alone. But with 2 toddlers I can’t do that….they’d find me anyway.

I’m not a blogger. I think I may become one. This has been very therapeutic. I feel better letting all this out. All the things I’m ashamed to admit. I guess if I confess them to you then I have to confess them to myself and then I have to do something about it.

Those jeans hanging in my closet that are too tight. I hung them on my closet door this morning. I think it may help. But I’m done with the mini-goals. I’m done with saying “I’m gonna weigh X amount of weight by THIS date…”. That is not helping. It’s one way to take the pressure off. I need to let go of the pressure. I’m not going by a timeline. I do know I want to weigh 165 lbs. eventually and I will get there….just maybe not when I think I should. I have to try it this way because the other way…the constant checking my goal chart….the constant looking at the calendar and the scale….it’s not working.

 I do know this is the absolute best site on the internet and I’m soooooooo  thankful that Dr. Marc created it. You are the best group of people and I appreciate all your support, your comments, and even your butt-kickings. Love you all! 

Well, I wrote yesterday about how these 6 lbs. I need to lose to get me to 199 are being stubborn and won’t budge. I didn’t do anyting to help matters last night. My “Aunt Flo” or “TOM” as we at Fitness Fanatics like to call it came for a visit on Sunday. The cravings and the bloat and the feeling down-right fat hit last night. I ate my healthy grilled chicken sandwich and small chili for dinner….followed by the french fries the hubby bought me but I didn’t ask for…followed by the chocolate frosty my kids didn’t want….followed by a pb&j sandwich at bedtime while I watched those skinny, big chested girls on “The Girls Next Door”. Normally I’ve been handling this time of the month better than I did last night but it came to my attention that there’s something hanging in my closet that’s causing a problem….

It’s unintentional pressure but pressure nonetheless. My husband took me clothes shopping as a Christmas present and I decided I needed yet another pair of jeans. I dropped another size recently and so instead of buying a couple of pairs knowing I’ll be dropping that size soon (hopefully) I get all caught up in the excitement and buy, buy, buy. So anyway we went to Goody’s and I got a pair of those Ashley Judd jeans without trying them on. When I got home I was anxious to see if they fit because they looked kinda small in the store. I could get them up…I could get the buttoned….sort of. These things are TIGHT. Talk about a muffin top! Anyway my husband told me not to take them back because I should be in them soon. Well you would think this would give me more incentive to behave myself. But me being me I’m a freakin’ perfectionist when it comes to the things I set out to do. Instead of those jeans being a motivator they’re an albatross around my neck. I can’t stand the fact there is something in my closet that is too little for me! Those jeans are making me feel like I’m 273 lbs. wearing a size 26 again instead of 205 lbs. wearing a 16. I know not all jeans are sized the same. I know that the 16’s from Old Navy and Maurices fit me perfectly and that these Ashley Judd jeans must run small. I know that. I  know that. I know that. The logic part of my brain knows that.

I want to be happy with what I’ve accomplished. I’m tired of this being such a battle. I’m tired of fighting myself on a daily basis and putting myself down when I have a bad night. I’m tired of judging myself by the number on the scale and the number in my jeans. We all know what the definition of insanity is. I’ve been down this road before and it never worked because I’m  my “stinkin thinkin”. This time it has to be different or I’ll be 273 lbs. again. How do I stop cracking under the pressure? Better yet, how do I stop the pressure?

I feel like I’m never going to hit the 100’s!!!!!! I can see it…it’s just right in sight! So close but…I…can’t….quite…..reach……

I really wanted to be 199 before I started seeing my family for the holidays. A lot of them haven’t seen me since last Christmas in which I weighed 273! I know by looking at me no one would really be able to tell the difference between 205 and 199. They will be able to tell I’ve lost by all means….I mean I have dropped 5 pant sizes for goodness sake. So why can’t I be thrilled with that? I mean I am really really happy. But these 6 lbs. that won’t seem to budge are making me insane! And once I finally do get these 6 lbs. off I still have 34 lbs. to go to hit my goal and those are going to be even harder to lose. I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and very very impatient. I just want this weight off yesterday.

I don’t have a really strict diet. At least I’m not as strict on myself this time around as I have been in the past. I say that because I want this to be the last time….the last time I have to do this losing weight thing. I, like many people, am a recovering yo-yo dieter and in the past I put so many restrictions on myself that I never got to have fun. Every meal and every workout was sheer torture. I didn’t get any enjoyment out of…living. I’m trying to do it this time not as a diet but as a lifestyle overhaul. I don’t want this to be a battle for the rest of my life. I want to be able to make peace with food. But I do wonder sometimes if this is something I’m never completely going to be free from…just like recovering alcoholics and drug addicts say they are never really cured.

I’ve been trying to watch my calories and journal my food everyday. I’ve been working on keeping it around 1500 even though the Best Life program (Bob Greene) that I’m kinda sorta following says that for my activity level I can have 1800 calories. I decided that I need one meal to allow myself to eat as much of whatever the heck I want. I usually do this on Saturday night at my mother’s house because if there is any place I resort to old habits it’s at my mother’s. I thought I needed this meal so I could indulge and not feel so restricted on my eating. I thought that if I could have this one meal then I would have it to look forward to and it would help me to behave at all my other meals. Well I wake up on Sunday mornings feeling horrible…not so much physically as mentally. The moment my eyes open I start beating myself up because in my screwed up mind the meal I ate the night before caused me to gain back the entire 60 lbs. it took me 8 months to lose. So then I get up and I eat a healthy breakfast but I’m not proud of myself for doing that because I’m still too busy kicking my rear for the night before. So then I wind up bingeing most of Sunday.

If I don’t allow myself that meal I finally cave and binge one day because I feel too deprived. If I do allow myself the meal I feel so guilty for indulging that I figure I’ve blown it and binge. I know that one meal is not going to bring all that weight back. So why do I beat myself up when I told myself that I could have it? Or maybe the better question is if this is a lifestyle change then why do I even need the meal? I’ve never really addressed my reasons for overeating in the first place. I can’t begin to tell you what those reasons are. I’m sure losing the weight is just putting a band-aid on a broken bone.

I don’t know why this is but I do pretty well eating healthy at my house but when I go to visit my mama I fall face first into a casserole dish full of apple cobbler?!?!?!?!

My story isn’t very different from anyone else. I’ve been overweight since I was a child. I’m southern. Eating is what we do. When someone is sick, or dies, or gets married…we eat. I’ve been down this weightloss road before. I have came very close to accomplishing my goal. About 4 years ago I was 24 lbs. away from reaching my goal weight. I would have lost a total of 100 lbs. I became pregnant with my first child and now 2 boys and many added lbs. later I’m back where I started and then some. I’m making progress. I started this journey, again, in January of this year and have lost 48 lbs. Still have 60 to go but I’ll get there. I have to. My life depends on it.